Wanted: Popular female-driven talk show — dominated by intolerant liberals who preach tolerance — seeks token “conservative” woman willing to be bullied, mocked, baited and talked down to on a daily basis by sanctimonious and condescending co-hosts. Ideal candidate should lean right, but not too far. Should hit back, but not too hard. Congeniality is a must, as long as it doesn’t interfere with squabbling. Genuine conservatives need not apply.

I realize that ABC’s “The View” isn’t the place for serious social commentary. I never believed otherwise.

But it’s much worse than I thought. The curtain has been lifted, and the show — where five women sit around a table arguing about politics and culture — has been revealed to be a full-blown comedy sketch.

Here’s the latest bit: The producers — who are hunting for a permanent “conservative” co-host to replace Meghan McCain, who recently stepped down — are aiming impossibly high. Apparently, on that show, only the liberal co-hosts — which include comedians Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar — benefit from the bigotry of low expectations.

What producers want is what a former show staffer called a “unicorn.” The former staffer told Politico: “They want someone who is going to fight — but not too hard, because they don’t want it to be ugly and bickering.”

Catch that? The bosses at “The View” apparently want someone from the right who can throw a punch but who will also pull her punches.

Of course. They wouldn’t want a conservative panelist to land a solid right jab now and then. One of the liberal co-hosts — who will likely sign off on whomever gets the gig — might get flustered.

Why not just be honest and say outright that you want someone who will behave herself, mind her manners and play nice in the sandbox?

That aspect of the unicorn search seems custom-made for folks on the right. I just can’t imagine any producer on any talk show anywhere — even on Fox News — being so afraid that a liberal panelist might go “fully lefty” and cause an ugly scene that descends into bickering.

Let’s be clear. No matter what the producers claim, they aren’t really looking for a conservative woman. They’re looking for a woman who fits their narrow and rigid idea of what constitutes a conservative. They don’t want someone who is right-wing, they just want someone a little “right-ish.”

Liberal co-host Sunny Hostin, a former federal prosecutor, told New York Magazine’s “The Cut” in November that the new host should have a divergent point of view on most issues.

“Right now, we still do need a really conservative voice,” she said at the time.

However, Hostin quickly added a qualifier.

“I also believe it’s really important to not have someone on the panel who spreads misinformation, who adheres to the big lies, who is an anti-vaxxer, because I think that’s dangerous,” she said.

In other words: No Donald Trump supporters or anyone who thinks the 2020 presidential election was stolen. No one who is critical of Dr. Anthony Fauci, the chief medical adviser to the president. No one who questions the claims, sound bites and balderdash that sometimes flow from the Democratic Party.

I’ve watched the show. And I’ve done television commentary on CNN, Fox News and MSNBC for almost 30 years.

Make no mistake. The “conservative” seat at that table is a dangerous place to be no matter who sits in it. Whoever gets the gig will be picked on from the start from her “morally superior” counterparts. She can stand up to the bullies, but she had better do it with a smile. Only liberals can sneer.

For the most part, the co-hosts are likely to keep the conversation civil. Politics isn’t everything, after all. Producers are likely to choose someone who can relate to her colleagues in other ways.

For instance, they’re bound to look favorably on prospects who already live in Manhattan, where the show is filmed. Maybe she sends her kids to private school on the Upper West Side. Don’t expect them to hire a conservative woman from Texas, Kansas or Georgia.

At the same time, because television is a strange beast indeed, the producers also don’t want the new co-host to be too chummy with her colleagues. Audience surveys show that viewers like it when sparks fly.

In other words, producers of “The View” are looking for the television version of Goldilocks — someone conservative but not too conservative. Someone just right — but not too far to the right.

Sorry, folks. Didn’t anyone tell you? That’s a fairy tale.

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