Goshen News, Goshen, IN


August 26, 2013

GROUNDS FOR INSANITY: If only appliances came with a few friendly messages


On the flip side, the right messages could put sales through the roof. For instance, those who made mirrors had missed it by a mile. All those full-length ones that you saw out in public? The kind women hung by their closets? Engrave one small sentence at the top, and company sales charts would burst into flames.

“Objects in mirror are smaller than they appear.” See what I mean? It’s genius. How the marketing gurus have missed this so far is beyond me. But if a smallish American housewife living by a cornfield can figure it out, her inventiveness should be rewarded. So once they’re ready to cut me a check, I’ll tell my idea. Until then, my lips are sealed.

The folks who manufacture bathroom scales could use my help, too. Every woman in the known universe would buy a unit that offered encouragement every time she stepped up.

“Have you lost some weight?” That one’s just obvious. “You feel lighter today.” Ding, ding. There’s a winner. Then this: “That walking is working.” These are just several ideas off the top of my curly head, and I’ve not even broken a sweat.

Cheerful words of encouragement like these would sell scales. Shoot, there are some men who would use ’em. That’s why, once I’m ready, I’ll draft a proposal with this idea and send it to Mr. Enos Slobodnick, MBA, the marketing expert at the Acme Scale Co. I’ll sign it Rhonda Schrock, CS, expert in common sense.

I realize that this information could fall into the wrong hands and be used to deadly effect. Let’s say that a techie in Hoboken, N.J., heard about it and thought it would be funny (funny!) to play a joke on America’s women. And let’s say that instead of programming Model H63D2 with empowering, uplifting messages that made us all feel better about our thighs, he took a different approach.

Imagine the surprise for the unsuspecting citizen who’s heard about this marvel from her friends. Eager, she steps one foot on, then the other. And hears this: “Took the second doughnut, didn’t you?” Shocked, she steps off and tries again. “Whoa. You should go back to the salads.”

The howls of outrage that would follow could be heard on the eastern seaboard. That, and the sound of a brand-new Model H63D2 being flung across the room and then shattering. After that, it’s curtains for the techie in Hoboken who will spend the rest of his life running from women armed with skillets.

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Three Goshen elementary schools — Chandler, Chamberlain and West Goshen — are providing free meals to all students during the school year as part of the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Community Eligibility Provision of the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010. Nearly 80 percent of students at Chandler, 89 percent of students at Chamberlain and 78 percent of students at West Goshen already qualify for free or reduced-price lunches based on their family income. How do you feel about the new lunch program?

I think it’s a good idea to feed all the students free of charge
I think those who can afford it should pay for their school meals
I think all students should be required to pay for their school meals
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