Goshen News, Goshen, IN


October 15, 2012

RHONDA SCHROCK: Many hats to wear — just not the gross ones


While the locals here don’t much care about these hats, they have a deep and abiding appreciation for the chef one. No matter where I bury it, they find it with their specialized, super-sensitive sonar. Then they slap on their own caps, the ones that come with the Concentration Camp Starvation Victim suits, and set to work. That’s how that deal goes.

One hat I refuse to wear is that of Rodent Eliminator. That belongs to Mr. Schrock, and he’d better get busy if he wants to keep Hat Girl happy.

I’d been hearing the skittering of those odious little feet overhead in the night. I’d mentioned it to him, upon which he mumbled something into his pillow and rolled over. And then.

Early one morning in a quiet, darkened house, I set the toaster on the counter, popped in an English muffin and slipped into the back room to find a pair of jeans. I stepped back into the kitchen. And froze.

There he was, sitting on the corner of the toaster in his hideous fur suit, inches away from my muffin. Clutching my pants to my chest, I shot up flares and called for help, pulling The Sleepy Mumbler out of bed.

“You’ve got to get him,” I pled. “Kill him. Squash him. Shoot him, I don’t care. Just make sure he’s dead.”

There are a lot of unpleasant things this girl will do. Sending Christopher Churchmouse to the Big Cheese Wheel in the Sky isn’t one of them. That’s a job — and a hat — for Mr. Schrock. Once I receive confirmation that he’s room temperature, we shall sing a shared song of rejoicing. In our party hats with glitter.

Come to think of it, there are plenty of other hats I won’t wear. I know my limits. Which is why I’ll never be a mechanic or a body guy.

Don’t ask me to straighten your chassis or check your engine. I won’t clean your spark plugs or change your oil, either. That dog won’t hunt, and that truck won’t run. Trust me. You just stick with your mechanic, and I’ll stick with what I know. We’ll both be happier, and you’ll get to work on time.

I can’t be a dentist, either. I’ve got a healthy respect (read ‘fear’) of a mouthful of molars. I’ve seen what they can do to my pizza pie.

Remember those starving victims? No way am I gonna reach inside their jaws to do some work. No way. Not unless I gas ’em first. Actually, I’m lucky if they don’t gas me first. Which is why I’m attaching a mask to my party hat with streamers.

Rhonda Schrock is hopeful that the mouse’s days are numbered. Otherwise, she may have to hold down the fort at the coffee shop until he’s gone. She thinks there’s a hat for that.

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