The scales of justice are out of whack. Wildly so, if you ask me.
Why is it that when the demands of life are at their peak, your energy’s gone? You’re shot. Pooped. Washed out like the sea at low tide, leaving nothing but a crab or two and a hank of stringy seaweed on your proverbial shoreline? How come?
Just when you’re working like a one-armed paperhanger to establish your career. Just as you’re knee deep in teenagers and college kids. Just at the time your financial needs are the greatest and you’re funneling buckets of money to your insurance guy, it hits you. You’re not a Mustang anymore. You’re an aging Chevy with several dings on the hood and some rust on the fender. Well, shoot.
In a perfect world, it would be different. Back when the earth was young (before the serpent slithered in and Eve took to stitching leaves), it wasn’t like this. But she did it. She up and bit the apple, and it’s been downhill from there.
Now it’s 2012, and we’re a long way from the Garden of Eden. In the extraordinary explosion of technology that we’ve seen, you’d think we’d have some solutions. You’d think.
Mr. Schrock recently purchased the newest generation of smart phones. This sharp little device can do everything but scratch your back and tie your shoes. Oh, and make your coffee, though a super-sweet application he found can find the nearest Starbucks. I just love technology.
One of his favorite apps is the weather one. With the flick of a fingertip, he can access the forecast for the week, the day and the hour. This eliminates the need to actually trot outside into the elements to determine what one’s wardrobe should be.
Finance guy that he is, he’s got a stock market app. This way, he can track the ups and downs of Wall Street.
My method’s much simpler. I track movement on The Street by what happens next. If there’s shouting, grinding of teeth or flinging of the phone, I know which way it went. That’s my cue to administer chocolate.
Other apps he’s downloaded include news, music and fitness. With the latter, he can figure up how many calories he’s burned through his various forms of exercise.
Again, my low-tech method of following his progress is watching his reaction. If it’s the “bad day on Wall Street” kind of a deal, then I know to rush in with carrots and hold the chocolate. I’m sharp like that.
Compared to his very smart phone, mine’s not quite a stone tablet. An Egyptian scroll, papyrus, with a quill dipped in ink. Two sticks rubbed together to make a spark, start a fire and signal in smoke. Not quite.
Oh, the full keyboard is a real upgrade when it comes to texting. And it’s pearly pink and white. There is that. But it’s strictly functional. No downloading of funky apps for fun. No Facebook updates by phone from far-flung locales (alright, from the coffee shop and the grocery store), either.
I’ve put the App King on notice. One of these days, I’m getting one of those. And baby, the girl will need some apps.
He can keep the weather one. Admitting that I find the weather channel about as exciting as a bowl of cornflakes is a big risk here in corn country. That’s why I’d never say it out loud until I was at least as far as St. Louis, so I’m whispering it to you, a few of my closest friends.
For a real buzz, I’ll need a caffeine app. And I don’t just mean a store locator. I’m seeing a feature that will give you a measured dose of caffeine at the press of a thumb. If they can do it with morphine pumps, they can do it on my phone. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Another one I’ll need is a name extractor. This is for those awkward moments when my internal database has frozen and crashed. And I know someone else who could use one, too.
My dad is terrible with names. He’s great with people, but names give him fits. He will have entire conversations, peppered with jokes and stories that leave the other party hollering on the floor, without quite remembering their names. Later, when he relates it to us, his first-degree relatives, he’ll say something like this, “Saw Ole Whistle Britches today.”
“Whistle Who?” we’ll say, drawing a blank.
“You know. Whistle Britches.”
When no amount of guessing or spirited charades can extract a name, we give up. What is a name when he’s just had a ball, yukking it up with—well, whoever it was down at the feed store?
But back to those apps. I realize this is advanced stuff. Face recognition and caffeine delivery via cell phone?
It’ll be awhile ‘til I can afford one, but that should give technology time to catch up. I’d sure like to know the name of the Whistle Britches I’m having so much fun with.
The scales of justice are out of whack. Wildly so, if you ask me.
- Breaking News
UPDATE: Westview student in critical condition after crash
A Westview High School student remained in critical condition Friday afternoon following a two-vehicle crash Thursday in LaGrange County.
Jaid Rex, 16, was listed in critical at Parkview Regional Medical Center in Fort Wayne. Her sister, Mikayla Rex, 18, was listed in fair condition Friday.
Home invasion suspect pleads guilty in court
One of the suspects involved in a home invasion, where a New Paris couple were confined in their home, pleaded guilty to several felonies this morning in Elkhart Circuit Court.
Two injured near Emma this morning
he LaGrange County Sheriff's Department is reporting one person was airlifted to Fort Wayne and another taken to Parkview LaGrange by ambulance from a crash at 200 South and Ind. 5 shortly before 8 a.m. today near Emma. Police are still working at the scene of the accident and motorists are advised to find an alternate route.
72-year-old among arrested drug suspects
Five face felony charges.
Meth lab found in Middlebury
Police raided a suspected methamphetamine lab in Middlebury Monday.
Middlebury police went to a residence in Crystal Valley Mobile Home Park, 206 York Drive, around 12:30 p.m. regarding a possible lab, according to town Police Chief Mike McCloughen.
Man pleads guilty in Twin Pines home invasion
One of the men charged in connection with a November home invasion in Goshen has pleaded guilty to the crime.
Antoine A. McDuffie, 21, Elkhart, pleaded guilty in Elkhart Circuit Court Monday to Class B felony charges of armed robbery, burglary, criminal confinement and conspiracy to commit burglary.
Man who robbed Bristol bank sentenced
A South Bend man has been sentenced for robbing a Bristol bank as well as a bank in Edwardsburg, Mich., last year.
Darius Witherspoon, 21, was sentenced in U.S. District Court in South Bend this week to nearly 13 years in prison with three years of supervised release.
Supreme Industries sells shuttle-bus business
Goshen's Supreme Industries sells its shuttle bus business to Forest River Inc.
Water in Millersburg should be boiled after water main breaks
A boil order for the entire town of Millersburg has been issued after a water main break Friday.
Minor injuries in 12-vehicle pile up near Nappanee
Minor injuries sent several victims to local hospitals following a 12-vehicle pile up along Ind. 19 near Nappanee Thursday afternoon.
- More Breaking News Headlines
- UPDATE: Westview student in critical condition after crash